abigail's innerworkings

miss_haight @ 2009-06-19T16:09:00

2009-06-19T20:22:10Z

something i have come to realize in the last week is that there is definately hope. recently experiencing the ultimate lowest low of my life, i needed a change severely. and two months from now if i knew where i was and who was in my life i wouldnt believe it, as jonas said last night. i feel so lucky to have a friend like him in my life right now. im ready for stability and im definately ready to be happy. i hope that we both remain happy togeather and i hope that i can help him as much as he is helping me.

something also that really makes me happy is that there is definately a sense of peace in the apartment now. meg and patrick and great roomates and with everyone getting along, it feels more like a home.

miss_haight @ 2009-05-05T14:50:00

2009-05-05T19:04:12Z

Being thrown out of your security net and out into the real world is crazy. my life the last two weeks has made a 360 turn. two weeks ago i was worried about projects and papers and portfolio review.

now im having a good bite of the real world. after putting in over 25 job apps, i finally got a call from the gold club serving as a waitress. so hopefully by thursday ill have some money in my pocket. I'm currently in the process of moving out of the dorm and into avery and jesse's place.

i'm really just trying to find a sense of stability in my life right now. im trying to get joe to come move up here so we can get our own apartment and i can have my kitty back and we can be in a comfortable, calm environment. my dad called me today and told me to go get my license so im thinking that my parents just might be breaking down and getting me a car for my birthday, which holy everliving shit will make my life much easier.

Regardless what people may think, I feel that my desicions to be doing what i am doing is best for me. In the meantime im definately going to continue practicing tattooing while working on music and trying to get some of my photography put up for the gallery crawl.

I really wanted to update this thing in detail but god damn there could be a novel written on the last two weeks of my life.

miss_haight @ 2009-04-15T02:31:00

2009-04-15T06:36:54Z

i hate when you need to talk to someone the most and no ones there to talk to.
my night should have been a great fun and unexpected night
but ive gotten into this full blown depressive state the last two days
i feel like im trying to find and excuse to abandon everything right now, for what reason i dont know.

i just cant shake this feeling and these thoughts.
please go away?

thought for the moment**

2009-04-13T06:43:56Z

you are not any better than anyone else.
because deep down you are just as fucked up as all of the people you judge around you.
your nothing more than a fucking animal.

miss_haight @ 2009-04-05T17:19:00

2009-04-05T21:37:33Z

This weekend has definately been pretty awesome. School right now is pretty insane and its down the the last three weeks before I get out for the summer and its pretty much utter chaos and i only get about one full night of sleep a week on top of staying up for over 50 hours other nights of the week. This weekend was pretty stress relieving, went to fuel with mason and nick friday and hung out with hollee nick josh cody mason and teddy last night. Teddy and i made dreads at 5 in the morning ^___^

Hollee hasn't been doing so great and i really hope that we cheered her up a little bit last night. I really hate how things had turned out for her this weekend. I've really had a reality check over what she's been going through, because no matter how awesome and nice someone may seem on the surface, when your originally skeptical about something they've done usually they end up to be true. Which in this case my skeptics were although I really tried to give this person the benefit of the doubt. all i can say is that you should be ashamed.

on a different note, I'm really excited about getting out of school. I have a billion projects that i want to work on that i haven't had time to focus on because of school. Most of these ideas i have include, launching the dread fall and wig business; taking belly dancing classes; learning to glass walk; and working on music!

I will never sleep until i die!

miss_haight @ 2009-03-14T12:10:00

2009-03-14T16:14:54Z

just woke up, about to go celebrate nicks birthday with his family at sonneys.

its been an insane week only getting about 4 hours a night. im finally able to go home for spring break sunday and im bringing stacey with me. hopefully all goes well with her because ill be living with her next year.

im definately excited to get workin on my dread falls ill be making for vivica hollee and meg, i really want to focus on starting up the dread site with hollee. yup yup not too much going on with me, just felt like updating.

<3

im back

2009-03-01T18:21:25Z

wow, so i just logged back onto my livejournal i havent checked it in about two years i think? its so crazy looking back on my life then. I was so young and depressive mostly. Right now I am in Nick's room in Concord, NC. I now live in Rock Hill, SC going to Winthrop University pursuing a degree in fine art photography. School is really hard, it takes up about 75% of my life and the other bit of it is spent with friends and Nick who I have now been seeing for about 6 months. I'm extremely happy now up here. I live with the most amazing girl Avery who I love to death. The Filth on Demand crew are my main friends up here, holly patrick mason jesse avery nick josh cody and teddy are all kick ass real people. I've also been involved in single cell for a while since i moved up here gogo dancing and i just did my first performance with daffney danny and scott for st. valentines day massacre.

I've left alot of things behind in myrtle beach, but things here are awesome. I can't wait to see how the future is going to be and all the awesome things that are going to happen. Since I've been up here ive had quite a few panic attacks over school and a few ups and downs but i feel like my life is so much more stable and ive been a much more positive and happy person. If you are someone that has just met me in the last few months and you decide to read my journal from those earlier dates, keep in mind that i was about 15 and 16 at the time those were written and i am a much different person now. But I will be keeping up with this journal much more now and updating on my new life.

<3

miss_haight @ 2007-11-19T20:20:00

2007-11-20T01:21:02Z

HaphazardAsylum (6:53:19 PM): and if you try to fuck with me then I shall fuck you tooooooooooooooooooooooHaphazardAsylum went away at 6:53:57 PM.WednesdayHate (6:55:00 PM): fuck off cory i didnt say anything to you

Auto Response from HaphazardAsylum (6:54:44 PM): suck a chode

WednesdayHate (6:55:04 PM): so leave me a LONEHaphazardAsylum (7:12:26 PM): kk whatever. just don't come around me or any of my friendsWednesdayHate (7:13:57 PM): yup well jayme happens to be my friend as wellWednesdayHate (7:14:02 PM): so your going to have to dealHaphazardAsylum (7:13:52 PM): hahahahahahaWednesdayHate (7:14:13 PM): die coryWednesdayHate (7:14:19 PM): just leave me aloneHaphazardAsylum (7:14:11 PM): leave ME aloneWednesdayHate (7:14:38 PM): ey..you messaged HaphazardAsylum (7:14:27 PM): you're the one who's gonna go around trying to steal all of my friendsHaphazardAsylum (7:14:37 PM): so you leave me alone!WednesdayHate (7:15:08 PM): no...i have no intentiosn of 'stealing' your friends coryHaphazardAsylum (7:15:06 PM): then stay away from themHaphazardAsylum (7:15:12 PM): or I'll make your life a living hellWednesdayHate (7:15:47 PM): your such a dramatic little babyHaphazardAsylum (7:15:57 PM): ummm, I'm not the one talking shit about anybody behind their backs to ppl I don't even knowWednesdayHate (7:16:26 PM): no..i left you the comment because i know you would read itWednesdayHate (7:16:43 PM): i wanted you to know that i didnt appreciate the visitWednesdayHate (7:16:46 PM): it was rudeHaphazardAsylum (7:16:36 PM): well...I want you to know somethingHaphazardAsylum (7:16:41 PM): I didn't appreciate the visit eitherHaphazardAsylum (7:16:44 PM): you pissed me offHaphazardAsylum (7:16:52 PM): that's why I didn't hang out with you the next dayWednesdayHate (7:17:32 PM): what the fuck did i do to piss you off? WednesdayHate (7:17:38 PM): i was only nice to you coryWednesdayHate (7:17:43 PM): so what the fuck everHaphazardAsylum (7:17:43 PM): you acted one way over the phone and then completely different in personHaphazardAsylum (7:18:14 PM): the gemini showedWednesdayHate (7:18:54 PM): im not dwelling over it anymroe cory..i gave you my piece of mind ..your the one whos acting crazy about itWednesdayHate (7:19:01 PM): its always different in person coryWednesdayHate (7:19:03 PM): you were differentWednesdayHate (7:19:06 PM): its not the sameWednesdayHate (7:19:13 PM): but i wansnt a bad person to youHaphazardAsylum (7:19:07 PM): you were shadyWednesdayHate (7:19:30 PM): how was i shady??WednesdayHate (7:19:31 PM): reallyHaphazardAsylum (7:19:37 PM): we won't get into itWednesdayHate (7:20:02 PM): no coryWednesdayHate (7:20:04 PM): how was i shadyWednesdayHate (7:20:10 PM): dont keep talking about shit you dont knowWednesdayHate (7:20:15 PM): or understandHaphazardAsylum (7:20:13 PM): hahahaha look at youHaphazardAsylum (7:20:19 PM): I've been around here for quite some timeHaphazardAsylum (7:20:39 PM): you don't understand this place or the people hereWednesdayHate (7:21:28 PM): no ...i know MY friends and i seemed to have made one while visitingHaphazardAsylum (7:21:15 PM): I mean...you can keep defending yourselfHaphazardAsylum (7:21:21 PM): it doesn't make a difference to meHaphazardAsylum (7:21:26 PM): but I'm here and you're notWednesdayHate (7:21:50 PM): all it is is a shitty little town just like murrells inlet just like everything elseHaphazardAsylum (7:21:35 PM): and when you come here I will still be hereHaphazardAsylum (7:21:48 PM): and you will have to go through meHaphazardAsylum signed off at 7:22:11 PM.HaphazardAsylum is offline and will receive your IMs when signing back in.WednesdayHate (7:22:19 PM): fucking drama queenHaphazardAsylum is unable to receive offline IMs.WednesdayHate (7:24:40 PM): you take everything too personally..when someone has anything to say negatively about you, you react THIS way like im out to get you or something....i was upset about you freaking out that night and leaving cory the end; i wasnt going to not talk to you over it..but this is enough for me, i can CLEARLY see how petty you really are. HaphazardAsylum is unable to receive offline IMs.WednesdayHate (7:25:20 PM): you know what ....i dont like you and you dont like me HaphazardAsylum is unable to receive offline IMs.WednesdayHate (7:25:26 PM): leave it at thatHaphazardAsylum is unable to receive offline IMs.HaphazardAsylum went away at 7:27:50 PM.HaphazardAsylum returned at 7:55:41 PM.HaphazardAsylum went away at 7:58:17 PM.HaphazardAsylum returned at 8:14:40 PM.

am i wrong??

rannnnt

2007-11-05T02:07:14Z

things are insane now..

im getting caught in the middle of too many things
i end up hurting more people than i intend to
fuck having a cauntious because i wish i was like everyone else..
self centered and numb
because what does caring about other people do for me
other than be used and ignored
why cant i just do what i want to do, and not give a fuck about the consequences..why should I take shitty people's feelings under my consideration??
the answer: i dont know.
i hate my guilty cauntious

mainly what i am thinking though...
is that, if he wants to continue putting himself through more abuse..if he wants to take it even longer, STILL in hopes of finding happiness. Then he is lost, i hope that's not what he wants.

i want to see a good person happy and you know what, as long as i made him happy for just a few minutes in the middle of all of the chaos. then i am happy. i only wish that he could realize that he doesnt need her. and that he doesnt need anyone.

if he still pursues this..i can no longer talk to him

just because i understand exactly where it will end up again.
makeup sex gets old after a while.
it looses the point if things.

miss_haight @ 2007-06-06T21:33:00

2007-06-07T01:37:20Z

I havent dont a whole lot today...last night i got hooked up with a job working at Nightmare Haunted House on the boulevard. It pays $8 and hour to look crazy and lure people into the house. fuck yes.

miss_haight @ 2007-06-01T19:37:00

2007-06-01T23:41:31Z

I spent this afternoon hanging out with an old friend Aaron. I really hadn't hung out with him at all since the 6th and 7th grade, but i had a nice time with him and Devyn and Audra in Garden City around the Arcade. Tomorrow i have to take my SATs x.x but i think I'll be alright. I just hate that i have to wake up so damn early. Hoyte's takin Joey and Audra and I to the clubhouse tomorrow night to see SAVAS...so once this SAT shit is over, the summer will really begin.

miss_haight @ 2007-05-31T20:03:00

2007-06-01T01:26:32Z

So many things are changing and evolving..its hard to keep a handle of what is going on here and now.

sometimes i really dont understand myself. I find myself running in circles.
I think its hopeless, to beating yourself up over something and when you finally get it, it repulses you.

i dont trust myself

miss_haight @ 2007-04-04T12:30:00

2007-04-04T13:35:39Z

I came home from school after first block yesterday..im pretty sick and i have been for a few days, but when everything started spinning i was done with school. mom took me to the doctor and they gave me
2 different types of pills
nasal spray
and a syrup (which after taking i found out had morphine in it)
ive been asleep for 24 hours straight and it is amazing
the coughing has gone down alot
but my voice is still gone : (

salvation in sleep

2007-04-01T05:39:50Z

wind brewing a storm of grey leaves
clouding a sky of bleak ebony
Grace which once gird me has run off to play
with children of bright eyes, hands not a stain

bones not of marrow but hollow and frail
the winds lift me up, heartless, no gail
carried away, this realm of peace
majistic numbness that i find in sleep

miss_haight @ 2007-03-24T14:50:00

2007-03-24T16:52:13Z

^_^

my annabug is back! yesterday Ian drove down from Charlotte and Anna and Him and i went to Abuelos and had dinner and then we watched tenatious D at Jen and Chris's

I'm glad she's back to normality and that i get to see her again ^_^

Patrik is on his way right now from Loris..we're probably going to hang out with Mikey and possibly walk around Broadway and shop. havent seen that boy in almost 2 weeks....

miss_haight @ 2007-03-21T00:23:00

2007-03-21T02:25:13Z

im sick of trying to be nice to other people..trying to keep somewhat of a good friendship between people when all they care to do is sneer..and show a side of resentment for the past

get the fuck over yourselves people..your over me..im now done with you.

miss_haight @ 2007-03-10T18:40:00

2007-03-10T23:40:08Z

i feel like im living in something surreal.

miss_haight @ 2007-02-26T07:48:00

2007-02-26T12:48:11Z

it looks like my school's system's proxy avoidance is down right now.

im drained and tired and i have to go to the doctor for my leg which i can barely walk on. i look like a cripple hobbling about >.<

Jeremy is probably going to wake up in a few minutes to be on his way to atlanta with Herb. So i probably wont see him until wed. or thurs. this week.
i came to school this morning wearing my dread falls and the only people who respond to them are black girls..what can i say

miss_haight @ 2007-02-24T11:41:00

2007-02-24T16:41:21Z

oh yeah..last night..last night i had the hardest time going to sleep.

anna's in jail again x.x this time she had her car lights off and she got searched and they found coke on her. I was really getting close to her, and that she has to be put away for something as stupid as cocaine..it seems so fucking dumb.

but i was really thinking about it and i really just want to stay away from being around drugs at ALL. Everyone seems to be getting arrested these days and i really dont want to end up in the same situation..especially because i don't even like drugs.
i really hope she's alright though.

miss_haight @ 2007-02-24T11:33:00

2007-02-24T16:33:35Z

last night i hung out with derek and a friend of his ..and basically feared for my life while they were speeding like fucking imbiciles in their shitty little sports cars >.<
i also caught reno 911 the movie and was sadly kindof dissappointed. The show was much better. I got Jeremy to pick me up later and we hung out with his sister Jackie who i actually really like over at Tony's.

i just woke up today and im thinking about going back to sleep. Tonight is myrtle beach rocks at the HOB and i think Patrick and i are going and in a little while i'm going to go over to cvs for hair dye so i can fix this ugly bleached ends/ brownish hair of mine. yuh.
i really hope tonight won't be a disaster.

miss_haight @ 2007-02-21T22:10:00

2007-02-22T03:10:20Z

It's Jeremy's 21st birthday..i just got in from eating at fuckruckers, drinking vodka at one of jeremy's friends and then hanging out at st. angela's.
I'm exhausted from little sleep last night and for some reason my upper respiratory pains when i breathe.

i think im going to crash early tonight and attempt at gaining some stability. I have the urge to watch some more of "fang vs. fiction" before i go to sleep however. I need to see more of anna and patrick and less of people who are leaving me with guilt and confusion.

miss_haight @ 2007-02-20T23:01:00

2007-02-21T04:01:27Z

ive decided to get back into the LJ thing more frequently now..my entries are so fragmented it's hard to keep up with the sequence.

Last night Jeremy and i went to Chicago's Pizza and brought it back to his house and watched silent hill..

he then forced me as i'm falling asleep to go to pan am in myrtle beach with him around 1:30 am..i was going a-wall with my spastic sleep talking/walking
ex:

me: OH mann..turtles can breathe through their butts!
Paul: do they fart alot?
me: no ..they just hiccup

yeah...i didnt get much sleep because once i was awake..i was awake
and now i have school tomorrow and i want to shoot myself
end;

miss_haight @ 2007-02-20T19:32:00

2007-02-21T00:32:10Z

you cringe at the feathers intwined in my hair
and i twinge at the slits in your malovent stare
yet i swing over you in a heart-strung cannopy
embraced by lust
but by nature are enemies

your venom which draws me away from the skies
sings of euphoria or raptured demise
though vague in pretension i cling to the cards
which promise a courtier in endless nights.

miss_haight @ 2007-02-02T16:10:00

2007-02-02T21:23:21Z

Today i was talking to my science teacher Mr. Brennan and a sort of revelation..theory came over me
it gets pretty complicated but i wrote a short sort of synopsis of the basic jist of it all:

Everything we, as humans have come to know today may or may not exist. Every concept that we have drawn in all probability is false. Everything we have built up to modern day is merely a reflection of our conception of the world.

there is not such thing as science
there is no such thing as religion
everything we know is human perception

all i understand is what we dont know.

so basically another thing im wondering..is if a civilization rose that was left with no human influence built up to today, how would they percieve the world? .. this whole thing was triggered when we did a real life demonstration of the size of the atom on the football field today. but none of that is really accurate, its just human theory, the atom itsself is a theory, it probably doesnt even exist. basically everything we were taught since we were little kids is all just ideas, but its fed to us like "this is the exact science of the world, believe it, there are no other alternatives"
what i think would be even harder, is to develop our own complete and total own perspectives of the world.
leaving out all knowledge we've ever been fed.

also another point im going to make to wrap this all up is if we do not believe in science then we are allowed to believe in much much more. i think its almost a way of blinding ourselves from what may be possible.

miss_haight @ 2007-01-31T21:35:00

2007-02-01T02:35:50Z

and when the snow
hits your nose..little girl
dont be afraid
if he goes away
red skies light up his eyes
a glance that will never fade

burnt upon a pyre
ashes fall from the sky
yesterday was just a memory
staring on you through the judgement eye
little girl
close your pretty eyes and fall into sleep.